If I had a friend that was 'smart about fashion,' he could have said, "Please tell me you're not serious." If only someone had been with me, but it's not as if we're smarter in packs. I'm not afraid to admit it. I need help. Serious help with last minute gifts.

I don't give good gifts. Not last minute gifts. My intentions are good. Too good, I think. It's like when you have a big exam coming up and you know you've got to ace the thing to save your grade. For me, just looking at the calendar is enough to make me sweat. When I see the big ones coming on like Christmas, Valentines Day, or (the worst) Mother's Day, I panic. And when I panic, I make bad decisions.

I know I only have one shot. You can give as many gifts as you want for cover, but there's always that "last gift." It has to be big - no, it has to be right. Because it only sums up everything you know about the other person - how much you know them, how much you love them, and whether they're a size two or ten - believe me the math matters.

This is a test of how well you paid attention in class. Didn't you notice the way their look lingered on that jewelry case and the marquise-cut diamond pendant in white gold with emerald accents? No? How about what the salesgirl was wearing? Exactly.

So, here's a cheat-sheet and a failsafe. Keep them with you. I'd say memorize them but if you're reading this, you've already spent time in the doghouse, and not for being "too smart for her."

Last Minute Gift Cheat Sheet

Avoid the following, or risk witnessing the first aboveground atomic test in forty years:

1. Leather or Fur. "But, the girl in the store looked hot in these."
   Leather and fur are for feet only. This includes throws, carpets, shawls (!), seat covers, and underwear.
2. Athletic Gear or Memberships. "But, we can go together."
   No. It will be the last squat thrust of your miserable life.
3. Appliances. "But, you love to cook."
   If she's a chef, she's already smarter and more creative than you. Your choice will be 'cute' at best. Nothing with batteries, that includes "swivel action," or uses the term "self cleaning."
4. Sweaters. "But, it feels so soft."
   Sorry, sweaters, just scream, "Mommy!" Sole exception - if you've given birth. Mothers believe sweaters are an expression of love and affection and warrant a shelf in your closet for things you will never wear but are glad you have. (Thanks, Mom!)
5. Cheese logs and Sausage. "But, this is the deluxe set!"
   Really? Really, you need a reason? OK, do you want to be together coming back from Christmas on a long ride in the car after you "helped" her finish the case?
6. Lingerie. "But, this is sexy, not dirty."
   Have you no shame? This is Homer getting Marge the bowling ball for Christmas. You're guaranteed a strike. Welcome to Camp Couch. She won't throw it out. It will end up in a drawer until you break up, and then she'll be sure to call you thanking you for that lovely gift. It sure came in handy after all.
7. Latex. "But, but, but..."
   You'll never finish that sentence. This one's a trap because latex is forgiving when it comes to size, but she'll never be. (Sorry, Mom.)
8. Gift Cards. "But, you can buy yourself something nice."
   Great, why don't you just leave money on the nightstand? It would be more personal as a last minute gift. Plus, when she gets what she wants, you have no way of knowing what it is, which means missing critical intelligence. I mean, you're in trouble for not paying attention in the first place.

The Failsafe - Choice Never Fails

Which brings us to the failsafe. If you want to be sure to get the right last minute gift, and you want to know what they got, and you want it to be easy, thoughtful, and fast. Then check out GiftFolio.com.

GiftFolio.com is better than a gift certificate because it doesn't tell them what the amount is. It's better than a gift card because it actually lets you include a personal message and get a personal thank you back.

GiftFolio is an online gift catalog that you can personalize for anyone on your list. You can select a theme to match the occasion and write your own message. Your invitation arrives by e-mail. They open the catalog online, read your personal message, and then can pick any one gift they choose from the wide selection of gifts - everything in the selection is at the same value, so there's no math involved. All they have to do is put in their shipping address. They never know what you spent and they don't pay anything extra because tax and shipping are taken care of. GiftFolio.com even provides full customer care.

Best of all, when they're done, it even invites them to write back a personal thank you, which you get by e-mail. Even better, they have the option of letting you know what they picked. And that's intelligence, my friend, you can take to the bank for the next last minute gift.

Posted on 12/11/08